This Boise Life

 

Keanu Reeves and River Phoenix in My Own Private Idaho (1991) 

My Own Private Idaho is a 1991 film written and directed by Gus Van Sant. The story follows Mike Waters (Phoenix) and Scott Favor (Reeves) as they navigate their lives as male sex workers over the course of several months. For Mike, hustling is both a necessity in order to survive on the streets as well as a means to finance his search for his mother.  Although it is never explicitly stated, Mike is clearly gay and lives a lonely life. His search for his mother represents his desire for a connection, for a home, and a family. 

On the other hand, Scott is the son of the mayor of Portland, Oregon who "only has sex with men for money" and who claims that he will inherit a fortune on his 21st birthday and retire from hustling. He comes from a place of privilege and his hustling seems to be more about rebelling against his family and hurting his father. 

Their journey of personal discovery takes them from Seattle, to Idaho (Mike's hometown), Portland, and even Rome. 

This film is one that is difficult for me to watch, even today. I was just 17 when this movie premiered in the September of 1991 and struggling with coming out to my family and friends, so I was close in age to the characters in this film and lived with the fear of being thrown out on the streets for being gay. One reason this film is so difficult for me to watch is due to a scene about the middle of the film. It takes place between Mike and Scott late at night under a full moon as they sit by a fire. 

a fireside chat between friends

Mike: I’d like to talk with you. I mean I’d like to really talk with you. We’re talking right now, but, you know… I don’t know. I don’t feel like I can be close to you. I mean we’re close. Right now we’re close… but, I mean…

Scott: How close?

Mike: I don’t know… whatever. 

Scott: What?

Mike: What do I mean to you? 

Scott: What do you mean to me? Mike you’re my best friend.

Mike: I know. I know I’m your friend. We’re good friends, and it’s good to be, you know, good friends. That’s a good thing. 

Scott: So? 

Mike: So, I just… that’s okay. We can be friends. 

Scott: I’d only have sex with a guy for money. 

Mike: Yeah, I know. 

Scott: And two guys can’t love each other. 

Mike: Yeah, well, I don’t know. I mean, for me, I could love someone even if I, you know, wasn’t paid for it. I love you and you don’t pay me. 

Scott: Mike…

Mike: I really wanna kiss you man.  

This whole scene was beyond heartbreaking. Mike allowed himself to be vulnerable and express his feelings only to be rejected. This is a situation that I am sure many of us have found ourselves in and unfortunately one that I found myself in only a few years later. It hurt me and I let that hurt fester inside me for a very long time. In truth, it still affects me 30 years later as it is very difficult for me to allow myself to be vulnerable with not only potential lovers but people in general.  As a community we like to think that we've come a long way since the 1990's but in today's hook up culture I find myself asking "can two men [really] love one another"? 

- Carolina Dean